ACCORDING TO THE laws of probability, there was only ever a 25% chance that the Republic of Ireland would draw Israel in their upcoming Nations League group.
But the laws of probability mean nothing when it comes to the Irish men’s soccer team, which has never been governed by what is most likely to happen, but simply the most painful possible outcome.
And painful this is. Painful in a way that far transcends Gaizka Mendieta rolling his penalty past Shay Given in South Korea, Packie Bonner parrying Donadoni’s shot straight to Toto Schillachi in 1990, and even Roy Keane boarding his flight at Saipan International Airport. Ireland vs Israel is set to be the most dispiriting fixture in the history of Irish football, and that is saying something.
Ireland will play Israel twice this autumn as part of our Nations League campaign, first in a neutral venue (though Israel is pushing to be allowed host its own home games again), and again a week later on Irish soil. The draw took place in the same week an Al Jazeera investigation found that US-supplied thermal and thermobaric munitions burning at 3,500 degrees Celsius dropped on Gaza over the course of the war caused thousands of Palestinians to simply evaporate, erased from existence in instants by Israel’s war machine. The IDF has recently accepted the long-reported death toll of 70,000, and this week an Israeli minister declared ‘de facto sovereignty’ over the West Bank.
As you would expect, therefore, calls for Ireland to boycott the game began immediately. For Ireland to refuse to play the games would see us forfeit the points, an outcome that is presumably unthinkable to the elite athletes and coaches that make up the Irish football team. The loss of a presumed 40,000 ticket sales is, presumably, similarly unthinkable to the FAI.
There will be protests, which will almost certainly intensify as the game draws closer. There will be calls from activists and opposition politicians and, honestly, probably a lot of regular people for the game to be abandoned, and the government will find a way to make it sound as though the genocide is somehow entirely disconnected from the soft power of Israel’s football team.
Expecting morality to rear its nagging, nuisancey little head in football is not much more than a fantasy in this day and age. We are going to play these games, our players will be faced with the choice of politely skirting around the question of genocide or doing what they absolutely never do, overcoming the media training that has been malleted into them throughout their entire lives, and telling us what they really think about something for once rather than waiting for ten years to release a book or go on a podcast bosted by a fellow ex-pro and say “Yeah, we weren’t thrilled about that, actually” to rapturous applause.
What have our leaders had to say about it? Well, in case you haven’t noticed, Micheál Martin has been doing this thing lately where he’ll wash his hands of just about anything he can, like Pontius Pilate after he’s just had a bulk delivery of Jo Browne.
“The teams should be allowed play and get on with it,” said Martin, arguing that a distinction should be drawn between the government of Israel and its people, and thereby, its state-funded national football team, I guess? One suspects that were it put to Martin that Israel is not being held to the same standard as Russia, which was rightly booted from international football tournaments after its invasion of Ukraine, he would not be jumping to the defence of Roman Pavlyuchenko or whoever it is plays for Russia these days.
This column is not really supposed to be a vehicle for complaining about our government, hard as that might be to believe. In theory at the very least, it’s supposed to look at some of the weirder things that happen in Ireland week-to-week. Unfortunately, it seems clear to me that in recent months, one of the weirdest things in Irish society at large right now is the Taoiseach’s propensity to totally absolve himself of any responsibility while sneering at those who suggest that he, as leader of the country, should occasionally think about trying to do something from time to time.
Ceann Comhairle Verona Murphy was forced to appeal for a more civil back-and-forth between Martin and opposition leader Mary Lou McDonald this week during a Dáil debate on the government’s Tenancies Bill, which opposition politicians argue will increase rents for new tenancies (they’re arguing that because that is what will happen, by the way).
“You couldn’t care less about whether we provide more houses for the young people in this country,” is what Micheál Martin told Mary Lou, which is quite a thing to say. After all, it’s not Mary Lou who’s been failing to provide those houses for the last ten years straight, either as Taoiseach or Tánaiste or as part of a confidence-and-supply arrangement. Indeed, none of us has any earthly idea whether Mary Lou McDonald cares about providing housing. She’s never had the chance. It’s like telling me I don’t care about winning gold in luge at the Winter Olympics. Maybe I would if you’d let me have a go.
In fact, now that I think of it, Sinn Féin have never been in government in the Republic at all. So whether or not Mary Lou McDonald cares about housing is — how to put this? — actually completely irrelevant to any renter in Ireland right now. The thing about the mud that Micheál Martin slings at his opponents is that even if it were true, it would not matter. So Sinn Féin don’t care about housing. Okay, sure. One quick question. So what?
There’s not going to be an election for nearly another four years. Sinn Féin’s present housing policy could amount to little more than demanding that we all burrow ourselves underground like badgers, and it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference. Sure, Sinn Féin are sitting right there in the Dáil so it might kind of look like it matters what they’re saying, but unless they can get themselves into government any time soon, it doesn’t really make much of a difference to how many houses are getting built, how much you’re paying in rent, or how many people access homelessness services month-to-month.
If I seem cantankerous myself, then I apologise. It’s only because he’s rubbing off on me.
This Tenancies Bill was passed by the Dáil during the same week that the government chose to defang its own proposal to clamp down on Airbnbs, which are eating into the supply of rental opportunities on the Irish market. The measure will see planning permission required for such short-term lets in towns with populations over 20,000, exempting towns with populations any lower than that.
The decision was taken to preserve Irish tourism interests, according to tourism minister Peter Burke. And you know what, fair enough! If there’s one area where we’re clearly struggling, it’s tourism. Sure, aren’t we always hearing about the tourism crisis? You know, how every month we break new records for people accessing emergency “tourism” services and tens of thousands of people across generations are priced out of their own “holidays” and forced to tag along with family “holidays” long after it’s dignified. Yes, that old tourism crisis has really been kicking our asses these past ten years.
Still, it’s nice to know that they can solve a problem if they want to. Even if it’s just to make sure Randy and Janet from Wisconsin have somewhere nice to stay when they visit the Wild Atlantic Way this summer.
